Monday, November 28, 2011

Unfolding doubts

I find I must say something about this thing somewhere and I don't know where to go anymore. College is looming and I am at a loss. We shall not discuss my inability to study or retain information. Rather I'd like to make sense of my jumbled thoughts.

My mother is of the impression that I should take up English or something of that sort. I don't like that idea. I know she doesn't understand why I take science subjects only to do so badly. My tongue does not adjust to languages so easily nor can I fully understand scientific concepts. I am...strange perhaps. Constantly intrigue by things out of my reach. I do not want to take up teaching like she suggests. I know all the poisonous indictments and curses I have mentally hurled at my teachers will come back to bite me. Hard. I have never been a good student, never finished assignments, never prepared properly for a class. I do no revision but last minute revision and still sit somewhere in the middle of the form. They have not found out because I simply do not stand out.

I am not the shining phoenix they wish me to be, no heron among the chickens. I am plain an average, without the academic accomplishments to make up for it. I do not like the idea of becoming a part of the rat race, sheltered child that I am. I don't think I have the skills or personality a corporation would want anyway. I do not wish for the struggles and glory of leadership. I have not much liking for power play and the constant strive for popularity. I am not like those who aggresively impose their will on others. I am mildly competitive and I suppose I do have some leadership abilities but praise and glory do not tempt me much. Just some appreciation will do though I certainly wouldn't mind more.

Papa, mama. Did you know I wouldn't mind working with children or old folk? My heart stirs with sympathy for those who aren't wanted. Do you remember that girl who smiled so happily when I hugged her? I don't want anyone to feel left out. I want to do what I can and hope they'll realize that it's alright, there's someone who'll hug you. I'm scared, because if that's the life God has called me to it's going to be one of hardship. Nothing like the cushy desk job or the exalted life of some rich wife you've wished for me. It'll be a life far removed from the pampered existence you've given me. Somewhere where I'll have to push away little girl fears for people who need me and learn to stand so I can lift those who cannot. I am staring at a million uncertainties and I hate it.

But I want to be a person who will bend down and humble myself to help those who cannot help themselves. I want to be strong so I can be leaned on by those who want to stand up again. I want to be a million things but this one stands out among them all. I want to be someone who can show the Father's heart and let His compassion overflow from me into the lives of all I touch.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Some thoughts on the Malaysia brain drain

I've wanted to write something for quite a long time but each time I sit in front of the computer I end up getting distracted. My mom also doesn't like me writing. Like quite a few mums I know, she thinks writing is unproductive and useless. Some people might find this shocking, but might I gently remind you about cultural dissonance.
            Reading an email recently, the author mentioned how in his class in America, people were horrified when he gave his opinion that some countries deserved to lose their talented people. Personally, I think in these cases, its very hard to judge the speaker or his listeners. Perhaps they feel that it is an injustice that developing countries be denied the chance to grow. Yet they don't know what it is like to grow up thinking about leaving, not just a small town but the country in general.
          Here in Malaysia, things don't look very rosy. It is disconcerting to see the politicians playing up racial issues. It is polarizing the people when what Malaysia needs is unity in order to progress. Young and naive as most of us young people are, the fact that the politicians are only interested in safeguarding their own interests and bank account is pretty evident. Most of us are uninterested in politics because we feel it is boring, dirty and has nothing to do with us. Still, things do trickle down to us. Especially when our parents encourage to leave and never come back.
         I come from an "immigrant family", being the third generation to live on this blessed shore. I hear lots of rumors amongst the community about various injustices inflicted. Scholarship applications rejected, places in university programs denied, marking standards brought up and down in public exams, all based on the colour of ones skin. In front of my eyes, I see people leaving for the greener grass on the other side.
        People never change. The only things that change is the setting and the knowledge gained. Basic human behaviour is still the same. What people want, is a chance to make a living, a roof over their heads and protection from being exploited. If they can't get what they want here, they simply move. Of course, the more patriotic people may choose to take up arms but Malaysians are a notoriously apathetic lot. We dislike violence and prefer to avoid confrontation. So we pack our bags and get out as soon as our finances allow it.
          I love Malaysia but I can't help but get the feeling that it doesn't love me. One-sided relationships are very trying on a person, you know. So I'm another young person who will get on a plane once I have the money and probably never come back. It does pain me to leave a place I love, to leave behind familiarity for a stranger's land. But I have to think of myself. I have to do what's best for me. I will have to leave someday.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Tips ahoy!

Went for the Star NiE Mag Inc workshop today. I was so shocked when the teacher asked me to fill up the permission slip to leave the school. I thought I did something wrong unknowingly and she was calling me out to kill me! It turns out my English teacher nominated me. I was so touched because even though she's taught me for 3 years she can't really remember my name (my name is hell to pronounce for a five-lettered thing) but she thought so highly of me. 


The group of girls sent to attend the workshop were rather diverse, one from each form baby! And we fulfilled the 1Malaysia requirement. Its rather amusing to see me in the midst of these accomplished girls. They're in the top classes, very involved in school activities. Two of them are prefects and high up in the popularity scale (the number of positions they hold in co-curricular activities is proof), the other girl is a school debater. In the mix of this you have ye average person aka me. No accomplishments unless you count choral speaking team. No positions (my club members in our tiny CF don't even recognize me), unpopular and content to float around and let the day pass. The average commoner. I got my laughs.

Mag Inc is a big thing to students nationwide. Mostly because of the pizza voucher for participation. Pizza in Malaysia isn't a cheap dish at all and we certainly aren't in the habit of eating it all the time. With so many people participating, they're bound to start researching and I thought, why don't I share what notes I've taken down. Perhaps some people would find the website vague (I did last year) or maybe they don't know how to get started. There are many who wouldn't ask the workshop participants out of shyness, fear etc. They prefer to sit down in their comfy chairs and websurf, so this is for you. 


1.    Team consists of 4 or 5 people only.
2.    Brainstorm on topics; choose one you would like to Speak Out
Ë  What are you talking about
A                    Plus and minus interesting aspects
A                    Relate to anecdotes/happenings in real life. Give it the human touch
A                    Provide statistics/ Do a poll
Ë  What are the solutions
A                    What can people get/learn from your magazine (educational value)
A                    Give suggestions and tips
3.    Don’t plagiarize articles/cartoons from other publications
4.    Always state the sources, e.g. write what song you’re using in your video and who sang it in the credits
5.    Delegate the work
6.    Photos are important. Hilarious captions too
7.    Include a masthead and editorial note
8.    Encouraged to do in scrapbook form (you don’t have to dig out too much money from your pocket this way)
Ë   It would be prefer if you paste things that can be felt, e.g. If you’re doing on fashion, paste scraps of cloth so the judges can feel the texture
Ë  Make sure whatever you paste does not break easily and will not hurt anyone. So, no glass, no mirrors, ceramics etc  
9.    Judges will look at layout/creativity/content/use of language.
10.                       Most importantly be original and creative. The sky’s the limit.


Pizza vouchers
            I.      1 mini pan pizza, 1 personal pan pizza
         II.      2 mini magazines/1 mini magazine and 1 three minute video clip, 1 regular pan pizza


Basic requirements:
·       1 feature article
·       3 other elements
v   Poems
v   Polls
v   Editorials
v   Cartoon
v   Comic strip
v   Interviews
v   Jokes
v   Photograph
v   Illustration (if you use some form of design in the page it counts too)
v   Adverts

Template:
a)    Only the original template from The Star is allowed
b)   You can type, cut, paste and draw on this template. Yes, you can type your feature article on A4 paper and stick it on the template.

Video:
a)    Same topic as your magazine
b)   Format on .mpeg file supported by Windows Media Player
c)    Label the CD/DVD clearly with the name of team and school name
d)   Make sure the ink will not smudge
e)    One form (original form B) per CD/DVD

Design Tips
*   Play with colours
*   Use clip arts (you don’t need to pay royalty for these)
*   Auto shapes
*   Lines
*   Cut and paste from recycled items
*   Adopt mix media, e.g. collages


What is……

A magazine
§    A form of publication; for a larger audience; something people can relate to
§    Issued periodically (at a certain time) e.g. Once a month, once every 2 months, two times a year etc (Your mini magazine? Once in a lifetime)
§    Bound in a cover
§    Contain essays, stories, poems etc. Also contains photographs and drawings
§    Frequently specializing in a particular subject or area, e.g. hobbies, sports, fashion


Masthead
§    Where you list out the members of your team and their roles, e.g.:-
Team leader
ABC

Writer
DEF

Photographer
GHI
§    You can include photographs/pictures of your individual team members
§    You may also include email addresses for feedback


Editorial Note
§    A way to get your personal opinion on a topic out
§    Usually written by team leader but can also be written from the whole team’s point of view
§    Encouraged to write it from the whole groups point of view
§    Keep the topic relevant to the magazine
§    Do not let it get too long (it’s only a small corner). Keep it short and simple
§    It provides an understanding of a subject


Friday, April 1, 2011

I found hidden treasure (sorta)

Happy April Fools! Hope nobody got pranked too severely. Me? I got tricked in front of the class. Not surprised if the whole block heard my class laughing. Who would have thought that quiet and passive Science 2 could pull that off? We're so abnormally quiet that the highest decibel level we get to is a buzz. And this is when the teacher is not in class. Yeah, strange.

Well I was doing me some youtube surfing when I felt like listening to Please Bring Honour To Us All. Yes, I'm the kind of female that goes on Disney musical highs, scary no? So somehow I got a whim to click God Help The Outcasts. Wham, I started crying. Here was my longing being sang in the voice of an angel. True, I'm not as unselfish as Esmeralda being wholly human and wholly self-serving and lazy but I've always felt that society has put too much emphasis on being leaders, on being outstanding. We often forget that there are often others who need help and when we do help its only for a few seconds and then we forget them. I always did feel something for those that are unwanted. Dear Jesus, give me more compassion to love the unlovable.



So here we have a girl who has nothing, is nothing. Yet, she prays for others and asks nothing for herself. This is contrasted to the rich who pray in the cathedral for wealth, fame, glory. All the things everyone wants but how many are willing to ask that others be blessed too? True, they are very pitiful, searching to fill an emptiness they cannot explain. But, the problems come when you look at yourself. When you focus only on yourself, you see all that is lacking, all that is ugly in you. When you focus on others, the world is more beautiful.


The comments section was filled with religious rhetoric though, which makes me think people are completely missing the point. Its not that she's praying to a God you don't believe in, its that she's asking for help for others when she herself needs so much too. The purpose is not to make you argue about whether there is a God or not, its about selflessness and the capacity to love those that society find undesirable. Anyone, regardless of status and wealth, who has at anytime dealt with confidence problems or the feeling of being unloved and unwanted should know how horrible it is. And that is why we must reach out. Because even if we are hurting, to stretch out our hands and show love (what little of it we have), it can heal.


I remember some children I had the chance to meet in my old Sunday School. They lived with their moms in a house rented by a kind man. (Yeah, they didn't have a home.) I admit I was a horrible person then, didn't pay them any attention because they were scrawny, mischievous and of a different race. Yeah, I am pretty disgusted with the person I was then. But this is church and I was a student teacher (alright I was a busybody 13 year old) so I had to work with them. I was pretty indifferent until I gave one of the little girls a congratulatory hug. The poor girl looked so happy. Nobody really paid them any attention. The teachers (the adults) just gave them some notice but always went for the cute and lovable ones. Looking back I don't blame them, because it is human to look for the beautiful and ignore the less than perfect.  That little girl and I became friends of sorts and she clung to me afterwards. I think that's what got the rest of them to warm up to me. And I had to give out lots of hugs everytime I was in church. I kicked myself like you have no idea. And that is when I first thought, we neglect those we can help far too often.

So God Help the Outcasts made me tear up, from the beautiful words and from the memories it brought back up. I've gone to another church and don't see them anymore. Its been years already. I'm not exactly what you'd called brilliant. I'm not a social butterfly nor do I excel in co-curricular activities. I don't measure up to the brilliance and leadership abilities that people look for in scholarship holders (blasted things are what I need but are so out of reach). I am just an average girl, living a pretty mediocre life and being far from what people admire. Yet, to know that just by giving hugs, by giving my time and my ear to all their nonsensical little ramblings, I made some children happy, I am glad. Even if the dream I'm chasing now doesn't come true, I think, I'm going to spread a little bit of care, to all the outcasts.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Narcissism to the max!

When out to celebrate my birthday with a group of friends today. Actually, my birthday was last Friday and I really spent it with one of my best friends at an eatery. We blew about RM6 on lunch and had a quiet peaceful afternoon before heading to tuition. A luxury because we get RM10 a week. Then I had dinner with my family, threw a hissy fit and...... all things considering it was ok.

So one of us was late, one of us had to wait for her. The three of us left behind were worried throughout the whole movie but lunch was fun at least. We watched I Am Number Four and Mi-chan and I were commenting and predicting where the story was going. With Tvtropes, it wasn't much of a strain. Still, a good movie to shut your brain down too and just let yourself be entertained. I would have wanted to watch The King's Speech but its not showing in Ipoh and its 18+. Bummer. I downloaded it because I couldn't get my hands on it, but if the real dvd is going to be sold here, I'll be in the line.

Lunch was insane. Full stop. The topics were random, like we were determined to screw up each others minds. Mi-chan tellling 2 of them about Black Swan (they forced her to) made me choke on my food. I think I'm going to have nightmares just listening about it. Karaoke after that was even worse. The volume was so loud and ugghhh the Lady Gaga songs one of my friends insisted on singing were nightmare fuel, because she insisted on screaming it. It was entertaining but..... I don't want a repeat performance. So me and Ju-chan retaliated by singing Korean songs that none of them knew.

I had fun, I really did. Most insane day ever! The heck though, I love each and everyone of that crazy bunch. Everyone needs insane friends. Yeah, I'm probably the craziest of them all. Or at least one of the most eccentric.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I promise that this post will be more general.

Warning: 3 large pictures and lots of RL identity markers.

So I procrastinate, what else is new? The main push for today's post is the end of three days of exams, all of which I don't think I did very well. Then again, this is what I do during exams:
Hetalia makes history....different.
Pfft.... more comments on anthropomorphic nations. Oh, Hetalia.....   
Good ole' hair curls. Do you know their owners?
 Specifically, this is what I did in the History paper. Sadly, I had to rub off whatever doodles I did on the other papers because I had to pass them up. Maybe mid-year exams, on my English paper. :D

Other than this, my life has been pretty boring. Though I have to say, I like being able to sleep now. Believe it or not I actually attempted to study and not give it up as a lost cause before the exams even started. We'll see whether those naggy adults (AKA parents and various teachers) were right about studying = good grades. With the exception of English (which I revise everyday, by reading nonsense) I get whatever "good" results by luck and some frenzied studying on the day of the exam. Needless to say, they aren't very pretty grades. Sigh...... so much for going to college.

Thinking about college makes me feel depressed. Heck, thinking about the future in general makes me depressed! And scared. The products of my cynical and paranoid mind I suppose. I suspect it has more to do with my self-image issues and lack of confidence. I don't know what other people see but when I look like myself I see a pimply, small-eyed girl, who is getting fat and can't be independent to save her life! My rational mind (which is rather vocal but gets shot down anyway) says that I'll find a way to survive somehow, but angsty teenage part says "Survival of the fittest! You're not good enough, ya' big loser".  

Luckily, I have other things to channel my pessimism for now. Apparently my school is gonna have a Malaysia Day as this year's school project. Last year was Pesta Ria (Canteen Day), the year before was a ballet concert. This year has got to be the most not fun. Its gonna be a lot of hassle and nothing we're gonna pay to see in the first place. Oh well, that's why we have popular people (or is it gang? They are kinda snobby)! They're gonna do all the work. Obviously since they are the leaders and super amazing people who can afford to take on a 100 different projects and clubs while still getting fantastic grades!

Phew, I'm dizzy from just thinking about it. Commoners like me can't afford to do all that because seriously?! I'm dumb and irresponsible enough to screw it up. Badly.  So as in government, the King/Principal decrees some new "project for improvement"; the officials/popular people happily hop to it; the overworked staff/ my poor teachers grumble and persevere; the commoners ignore it, obey when they have to, attend when told and continue with their life. A minor ripple in their placid lives.

And I am not writing that assignment our beloved Principal gave us. She wants us to try and post it in the Star pull-out thing one of our girls got selected for. Something about a platform for airing our views. Hello buddy, my views are politically incorrect, full of complaints and brutally (and I mean brutal) honest observations. I can't toe the line of your sunshiny, "lets be cheerful" image projection for the school. Yeah, I have a bad attitude. Cheer up, I am not gonna air it out. Which is why I am NOT writing anything! Oh what the heck, I'll write it now.

My First Three Months at School
By Ic-chan

A complete nightmare.

See? I did it! Now don't say I didn't do my homework. Kekekekeke..........

Monday, February 14, 2011

Damn...... this is considered picking a fight right? Eep!

Oh dear, its been almost two months hasn't it? But school started and I procrastinated even though I've had computer access all along. Looks like I got off a kick.

The only reason I'm writing now is because Mi-chan asked nicely, and because I'm dreadfully flattered by her latest blog post. *blush* Mi-chan, I enjoy bickering with you too. If I can't bicker with someone, my sarcastic personality couldn't shine through and where would be the fun in that? Yeah, I antagonize people in real life, especially guys, because I'm dreadfully out of practice with interacting with the male gender, but that's another story for another day.

Writing this, I find that I have many things to say, indeed there were many things I planned to write, but now...... I can't decide what to write first! Uh....... the questions thing on Mi-chan's blog (yes, I know you were enjoying yourself mocking us, I'm not gonna kill you for this) Well, let me pretend I"m Dr Laura and answer him:

I am not entirely certain on what religion you profess to follow but do find your nearest bible based church and get the BASIC theology straightened out. It saddens me to see someone who says they follow Jesus and yet completely dismiss his sacrifice. He came to fulfill the law and when something is fulfilled it means it is DONE. May God bless you and may you find the answers you seek.

And.....that......was a completely unacceptable answer. I could get killed or a lawsuit at the very least for that kind of answer. Thankfully, person in question didn't ask me or I'd have bitch-slapped him into the next century. At least there will be no words that can be used against me. 


What I find appalling is the laws that nobody (possibly) follows but he apparently does. Get with the times! Some laws were written as safeguard because peoples hearts are crooked. If following the customs of that time, the results will be outright inhumane! Oh, and for another thing, the sacrifice has been abolished, because Jesus became the ultimate sacrifice. 


Ugghhh..... I'm beginning to suspect the questioner follows some other religion which he has mistaken for Christianity. If thats the case then he is perfectly justified for asking questions most Christians would facepalm at. Sigh..........I'm sure someone will accept him and his beliefs. Its a free world, there are all sorts of things you can believe in.


Wait a sec...... I shouldn't be caring so much! Must get restraining order against idiot brain.

Now I think I've stepped on enough sensitivities and I really should stop here. Comments button is down there. Just don't let anything escalate into cyber-bullying. Its fine to say your opinion, just don't stoop down to hurling insults. What do you want to prove? You're as unable to accept opinions as someone else? Eep! Better shut up pronto. Idon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon'twannadie...........