And then, life happened

So it seems writing is the only way I can clear my thoughts. I always wondered why I thought in 3rd person, as if trying to describe what's happening as if I were imagining what to write for a story. As if my life was merely words on paper. Come to think of it, that'd make my life miserable.

Life doesn't seem to like me at the moment. I wander around confused and alone. Always alone. It seems like some things don't change, I'm still a loner no matter what I try to do. I just can't seem to make close friends in my cohort. My housemates though.... they've quickly become my most important friends here in college. They mean the most to me and they're my best friends here. It's just bizarre.... And the thing is, the one who has the most in common with me isn't the noisy, opinionated girl or the kind, sensible girl. It's not the jolly if kinda closed one or the happy-go-luck, blur one. It's the quiet, shy one who also knows what its like to be so lonely that you cling fiercely to the those precious people who you call friend. They're all kinda like me but she is the one who has the most in common with me.

I feel displaced here. Starting from scratch is not uncommon but this is so hard and I don't know why. I'm cut off from the things I love: I don't draw, I don't write, I don't read. I'm bereft off the things that make me sane and I have to deal with new creatures - boys. I never was very good at handling their teasing and I generally give out such a serious vibe that people don't laugh with me.

So many things I wish to pour out, yet when I start typing I can't seem to gather them all. A hundred things, a thousands things that I can't express and don't know who to tell to. Fate, y u hate me so much?

Lets update before school starts!

I figured I should do one of those random posts where I just write what I've been doing lately to satisfy some juvenile urge to reveal all. So nothing will make sense, there will be no theme, nothing will be coherent and topics will jump around for no rhyme or reason. Hmmm..... this could be fun.

I'm sitting at home, with laryngitis. It sucks to speak in a ridiculously hoarse voice and I have resorted to sign language in public, just to annoy my family. Though they're probably glad that I'm quiet, goodness knows how high I raise the decibel levels in the house. I hate not being able to sing, I've never gone so long without singing before. It's awful!

There's a Barbie and Twelve dancing princesses fanfic that I want to update but my plot bunnies aren't translating well on paper... or on my word processor. I'm not sure I want to write about each princess in turn or just write random one-shots. It's a problem..... Gah!

I don't know where to go after Form 5. Should I take Cambridge A levels? South Australian Matriculation? Foundation? Do they even have a Foundation Course for those who want to take medicine? Damn! Why in the world does Malaysian education stop at 17?! And I am not considering Form 6 because it is 2 years and it's longer then all the other courses. Ugghh...... and the icing on the cake is that university costs and arm and a leg. I am so SCREWED!!!!!!!

I've been seeing High School Musical a lot lately. My brother downloaded all three of 'em and we've been watching. I think the songs are nice, but my music preferences are rather varied anyway. Also helps that I'm a teen. Watching all 3 of them rekindled my liking for the Ryan/Kelsi pairing. What can I say, when everyone out there was screaming that "NO! Ryan should have been gay!" I was happily squeeing away. I have a penchant for minor and unusual pairings (Ryan is campy so this IS unusual). It helps that I find Olesya Rulin cute as Kelsi Neilsen and I saw HSM 3 before HSM 2 therefore missing out on the Chad, Ryan baseball game. Not that I don't agree with the folks on tv tropes that it was a rather...... fangirl squeeing moment? But, everyone has their preferences *shrugs. At least Ryelsi (portmanteau couple name, hehe.....) has a decent sized fan following. I've practically been devouring fanfiction on them these couple of days. No real person fics though, to me they are kinda like you're trying to tell actual people how to run their lives and it gets disturbing.

Speaking about campy, the other campy guy that I like is Ruby from Pokemon Special. He's just so interesting! Not to mention that his interactions with Sapphire are just so hilarious!! She is a wild child with complete disregard for social norms. He is a prissy guy who has more interest in making sure his Pokemon are pretty. She doesn't mind getting poop on her nose and goes around in a grass bikini with matching skirt. He can't stand even a little dirt on his clothes and he sews. I am a total sadist for wanting them to be together when they are older. Ehehehe........ it goes right up there next to Lithuania/Belarus. Yeah, yeah I'm a hypocrite but somehow Hetalia makes everything justifiable. And when exactly is the Hetalia: Paint It White movie showing in Malaysia. 8th December or 29th December?

I don't want to go back to school. I am dreading it with all my heart! I've been going online almost everyday for the past month and a half and have yet to be bored. Sleeping late, waking up late, access to the internet (endless entertainment), can you blame me for not wanting to go back to a routine of homework and co-curricular activities and tuition. Besides, Mi-chan and Chi-chan wouldn't be there now that they've graduated. I'll miss eating lunch with Mi-chan...... TT^TT It's my last year in secondary school and I just feel like time is going so fast. Oops! Did I just reveal my age? Oh pooey.......

Do I have to write and ending? I don't wanna write an ending! How do you write an ending for a piece that has no rhyme or reason for anything that is written. I hate endings. Everything should go on and on and on. Pfft.... open endings are awesome, except for in books. Then they just drive you mad with the "what ifs". Urh... I'll be shutting up now.

Holi holidayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Sung to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Repubilc.

My eyes have seen the glory

of the burning of the school

We have tortured all the teachers

we have broken every rule......

And that's as far as tv tropes would give me. I now totally regret reading the Ear Worm page. I don't think I'll be able to keep a straight face for GB's annual enrollment ceremony next year, which is a pity since it will be my last. Still I thought it was rather fitting for a post celebrating the first day of school holidays.

That being said, I don't think I'll be doing anything much besides homework. The only plus points are being able to sleep late and wake up late. I'm going to throw discipline to the curb (not that I had much to begin with) and place my alarm in cold storage. Somehow I"ll find a way to finish my homework............. I now fear for my life when school reopens.

School holidays have also thrown some problems my way. My mother (beloved food stuffer) will forget that I am fasting in the morning and make breakfast. She will only remember when I start glaring in pain over the aroma of mouth watering food. Jesus help me!!!!!!!!!!!! Where can I go to hide from the scent of food? No matter where I go in this house, be it the roof or the yard, it will find me. *sob*

Well, when all else fails, just be yourself and let other people shout at you. I'm going to read Skip Beat and make most of this "unlimited" internet time. The rambling is more like too much to say, unsure what to add. Go figure.

Merdeka!!!

Happy Merdeka! No, I didn't celebrate much this year. If you ask me this year's celebration is rather low key. I think everyone is saving energy for Hari Raya anyway.

I did a Hetalia fic last year in conjunction with Malaysia's birthday but I've got no inspiration this year. The only other thing that I had with Malaysia-tan in mind was about someone writing a farewell letter. A bittersweet affair and well, not suitable for an occasion that calls for love letters and pats-on-the-back and all sorts of self comforting. I miss Yasmin Ahmad. She was good at the self comforting part.

So....... oh goodness, I don't know what to write! It doesn't seem we have much to be grateful for. To be frank, I actually want to do a Merdeka rant. Yet, I just don't have the heart to rain on the parade. It's Malaysia's birthday and you don't go bashing people on their birthdays. Tomorrow though, is a whole different kettle of fish.

Does anyone like musicals?

Or to be more specific, does anyone like "The Fiddler on the Roof"? I rewatched the film today and it surprised me how there were things I didn't notice before. Details like expressions, scenery, songs I didn't like before etc. Now that I'm older, I appreciate Act II better.

"Far from the home I love", "Do you love me", "Chava sequence" and "Anatevka" really stood out for me this time. In fact, I've been rewatching the "Chava sequence" on Youtube instead of searching for K-pop. This act is so much more serious and with a bit more understanding brought by age plus a lot more knowledge on history than I had before, I've come to like this part.

"Chava sequence" or "Chava Ballet" is more dance than song but Topol's face as he sung it just......well, it reduced me to a blubbering mess. He was singing of how he (Tevye) didn't understand the world anymore, how things have changed. Chava started dancing with her mother in the background, then with her sisters. There they were 3 girls playing and dancing around, 3 carefree children. Slowly, they went off hand in hand with their loves, Tzeitel with Motel, Hodel with Perchik. Of course the clincher comes next. Fyedka comes for Chava and as she hesitates between the Fiddler (tradition, the life she's known) and Fyedka (love, an uncertain future) I was just so......heartbroken. And when she chooses Fyedka, slowly the scene changes to Tevye's face as he contemplates this. The pain and hurt in his face was just so........ I don't know what to say. I started sobbing there and I had to grab a lot of tissues during the dialogue bits where Chava asks Tevye to accept her marriage (she married Fyedka secretly that morning) and Tevye is debating it in a monologue. He finally decides that he can't accept this, that it would be tantamount to betraying his faith, his people, and walks away, Chava crying out to him in the background.

I can sort of understand that. One of the first things my mother told me was not to marry outside my religion. They'd act like Tevye had or perhaps they'd react like Golde, a bit more willing to forgive. I'd make them cry terribly of this I'm certain. The pain on Tevye's face, I don't think I'd be able to bear it if I caused them to look like that. And my dad.............

On the other hand, I think my grandparent's were rather outrage when my parents became Christian. My maternal grandparents became Christians eventually, my paternal side is still staunchly Buddhist. No disowning happened.

What should the stance be on this? Follow your heart or traditions? I guess it depends on the situation. I support Chava's decision by the way yet sympathise with Tevye. So, I think my answer is "I don't know".