Unfolding doubts

I find I must say something about this thing somewhere and I don't know where to go anymore. College is looming and I am at a loss. We shall not discuss my inability to study or retain information. Rather I'd like to make sense of my jumbled thoughts.

My mother is of the impression that I should take up English or something of that sort. I don't like that idea. I know she doesn't understand why I take science subjects only to do so badly. My tongue does not adjust to languages so easily nor can I fully understand scientific concepts. I am...strange perhaps. Constantly intrigue by things out of my reach. I do not want to take up teaching like she suggests. I know all the poisonous indictments and curses I have mentally hurled at my teachers will come back to bite me. Hard. I have never been a good student, never finished assignments, never prepared properly for a class. I do no revision but last minute revision and still sit somewhere in the middle of the form. They have not found out because I simply do not stand out.

I am not the shining phoenix they wish me to be, no heron among the chickens. I am plain an average, without the academic accomplishments to make up for it. I do not like the idea of becoming a part of the rat race, sheltered child that I am. I don't think I have the skills or personality a corporation would want anyway. I do not wish for the struggles and glory of leadership. I have not much liking for power play and the constant strive for popularity. I am not like those who aggresively impose their will on others. I am mildly competitive and I suppose I do have some leadership abilities but praise and glory do not tempt me much. Just some appreciation will do though I certainly wouldn't mind more.

Papa, mama. Did you know I wouldn't mind working with children or old folk? My heart stirs with sympathy for those who aren't wanted. Do you remember that girl who smiled so happily when I hugged her? I don't want anyone to feel left out. I want to do what I can and hope they'll realize that it's alright, there's someone who'll hug you. I'm scared, because if that's the life God has called me to it's going to be one of hardship. Nothing like the cushy desk job or the exalted life of some rich wife you've wished for me. It'll be a life far removed from the pampered existence you've given me. Somewhere where I'll have to push away little girl fears for people who need me and learn to stand so I can lift those who cannot. I am staring at a million uncertainties and I hate it.

But I want to be a person who will bend down and humble myself to help those who cannot help themselves. I want to be strong so I can be leaned on by those who want to stand up again. I want to be a million things but this one stands out among them all. I want to be someone who can show the Father's heart and let His compassion overflow from me into the lives of all I touch.

I promise that this post will be more general.

Warning: 3 large pictures and lots of RL identity markers.

So I procrastinate, what else is new? The main push for today's post is the end of three days of exams, all of which I don't think I did very well. Then again, this is what I do during exams:

Hetalia makes history....different.

Pfft.... more comments on anthropomorphic nations. Oh, Hetalia.....

   

Good ole' hair curls. Do you know their owners?

 Specifically, this is what I did in the History paper. Sadly, I had to rub off whatever doodles I did on the other papers because I had to pass them up. Maybe mid-year exams, on my English paper. :D

Other than this, my life has been pretty boring. Though I have to say, I like being able to sleep now. Believe it or not I actually attempted to study and not give it up as a lost cause before the exams even started. We'll see whether those naggy adults (AKA parents and various teachers) were right about studying = good grades. With the exception of English (which I revise everyday, by reading nonsense) I get whatever "good" results by luck and some frenzied studying on the day of the exam. Needless to say, they aren't very pretty grades. Sigh...... so much for going to college.

Thinking about college makes me feel depressed. Heck, thinking about the future in general makes me depressed! And scared. The products of my cynical and paranoid mind I suppose. I suspect it has more to do with my self-image issues and lack of confidence. I don't know what other people see but when I look like myself I see a pimply, small-eyed girl, who is getting fat and can't be independent to save her life! My rational mind (which is rather vocal but gets shot down anyway) says that I'll find a way to survive somehow, but angsty teenage part says "Survival of the fittest! You're not good enough, ya' big loser".  

Luckily, I have other things to channel my pessimism for now. Apparently my school is gonna have a Malaysia Day as this year's school project. Last year was Pesta Ria (Canteen Day), the year before was a ballet concert. This year has got to be the most not fun. Its gonna be a lot of hassle and nothing we're gonna pay to see in the first place. Oh well, that's why we have popular people (or is it gang? They are kinda snobby)! They're gonna do all the work. Obviously since they are the leaders and super amazing people who can afford to take on a 100 different projects and clubs while still getting fantastic grades!

Phew, I'm dizzy from just thinking about it. Commoners like me can't afford to do all that because seriously?! I'm dumb and irresponsible enough to screw it up. Badly.  So as in government, the King/Principal decrees some new "project for improvement"; the officials/popular people happily hop to it; the overworked staff/ my poor teachers grumble and persevere; the commoners ignore it, obey when they have to, attend when told and continue with their life. A minor ripple in their placid lives.

And I am not writing that assignment our beloved Principal gave us. She wants us to try and post it in the Star pull-out thing one of our girls got selected for. Something about a platform for airing our views. Hello buddy, my views are politically incorrect, full of complaints and brutally (and I mean brutal) honest observations. I can't toe the line of your sunshiny, "lets be cheerful" image projection for the school. Yeah, I have a bad attitude. Cheer up, I am not gonna air it out. Which is why I am NOT writing anything! Oh what the heck, I'll write it now.

My First Three Months at School
By Ic-chan

A complete nightmare.

See? I did it! Now don't say I didn't do my homework. Kekekekeke..........

Lets update before school starts!

I figured I should do one of those random posts where I just write what I've been doing lately to satisfy some juvenile urge to reveal all. So nothing will make sense, there will be no theme, nothing will be coherent and topics will jump around for no rhyme or reason. Hmmm..... this could be fun.

I'm sitting at home, with laryngitis. It sucks to speak in a ridiculously hoarse voice and I have resorted to sign language in public, just to annoy my family. Though they're probably glad that I'm quiet, goodness knows how high I raise the decibel levels in the house. I hate not being able to sing, I've never gone so long without singing before. It's awful!

There's a Barbie and Twelve dancing princesses fanfic that I want to update but my plot bunnies aren't translating well on paper... or on my word processor. I'm not sure I want to write about each princess in turn or just write random one-shots. It's a problem..... Gah!

I don't know where to go after Form 5. Should I take Cambridge A levels? South Australian Matriculation? Foundation? Do they even have a Foundation Course for those who want to take medicine? Damn! Why in the world does Malaysian education stop at 17?! And I am not considering Form 6 because it is 2 years and it's longer then all the other courses. Ugghh...... and the icing on the cake is that university costs and arm and a leg. I am so SCREWED!!!!!!!

I've been seeing High School Musical a lot lately. My brother downloaded all three of 'em and we've been watching. I think the songs are nice, but my music preferences are rather varied anyway. Also helps that I'm a teen. Watching all 3 of them rekindled my liking for the Ryan/Kelsi pairing. What can I say, when everyone out there was screaming that "NO! Ryan should have been gay!" I was happily squeeing away. I have a penchant for minor and unusual pairings (Ryan is campy so this IS unusual). It helps that I find Olesya Rulin cute as Kelsi Neilsen and I saw HSM 3 before HSM 2 therefore missing out on the Chad, Ryan baseball game. Not that I don't agree with the folks on tv tropes that it was a rather...... fangirl squeeing moment? But, everyone has their preferences *shrugs. At least Ryelsi (portmanteau couple name, hehe.....) has a decent sized fan following. I've practically been devouring fanfiction on them these couple of days. No real person fics though, to me they are kinda like you're trying to tell actual people how to run their lives and it gets disturbing.

Speaking about campy, the other campy guy that I like is Ruby from Pokemon Special. He's just so interesting! Not to mention that his interactions with Sapphire are just so hilarious!! She is a wild child with complete disregard for social norms. He is a prissy guy who has more interest in making sure his Pokemon are pretty. She doesn't mind getting poop on her nose and goes around in a grass bikini with matching skirt. He can't stand even a little dirt on his clothes and he sews. I am a total sadist for wanting them to be together when they are older. Ehehehe........ it goes right up there next to Lithuania/Belarus. Yeah, yeah I'm a hypocrite but somehow Hetalia makes everything justifiable. And when exactly is the Hetalia: Paint It White movie showing in Malaysia. 8th December or 29th December?

I don't want to go back to school. I am dreading it with all my heart! I've been going online almost everyday for the past month and a half and have yet to be bored. Sleeping late, waking up late, access to the internet (endless entertainment), can you blame me for not wanting to go back to a routine of homework and co-curricular activities and tuition. Besides, Mi-chan and Chi-chan wouldn't be there now that they've graduated. I'll miss eating lunch with Mi-chan...... TT^TT It's my last year in secondary school and I just feel like time is going so fast. Oops! Did I just reveal my age? Oh pooey.......

Do I have to write and ending? I don't wanna write an ending! How do you write an ending for a piece that has no rhyme or reason for anything that is written. I hate endings. Everything should go on and on and on. Pfft.... open endings are awesome, except for in books. Then they just drive you mad with the "what ifs". Urh... I'll be shutting up now.

Remember what I said about romantic two girl friendships?

Play-acting at school, but........
Ic-chan: Me and KitMun are sisters. We both want 1 girl (JuLian).
Mariam: Oo...... *looks at Viniy* I don't understand.
All: *Laugh*
Ic-chan: Like this...... Me and KitMun are sisters, und?
JuLian: No no no... let me say, let me say. I'm KitMun's darling and   KitMun's my honey. This two (Ic-chan and KitMun) are sisters. But, Ic-chan has a crush on me. See, I so diminati ramai!
Ic-chan: I'm the pihak ketiga you see.
Mariam: Oo...... So who with who ah?
JuLian: Me with KitMun......
Mariam: She (Ic-chan)?
Viniy: She's the pihak ketiga.
Mariam: Oo...... So...... you all lesbian larh?
All: *smash heads while laughing*
KitMun: Post this on facebook!
Viniy: Means like Suju couple lar.
JuLian: Yeah! Like Heechul and Hankyung! You are Heechul, Viniy's Hankyung.
Ic-chan: Yea lor, yea lor! Because Viniy know chinese.
JuLian: This (KitMun) is KyuHyun. That (Ic-chan) is Yesung.
Ic-chan: Then who are you?
JuLian: I'm Ryeowook of course!
KitMun: I don't even know what you are talking about?!
JuLian: Aiya, never mind lah!
Ic-chan: Eh......eh......! Does this mean we are Suju KRY?!
JuLian, Viniy: Yeah hor!
Ic-chan: *shakes head* So in the end, its JuLian bercurang with me.
Viniy: Poor KitMun.
KitMun: Yeah lor. *pretends to be sad* But I lebih bersalah because I always bercurang with other guys.
JuLian: See I so mulia. But then I more "geng" then you, I bercurang with 13 guys!
Viniy: Oh......? Ah, me also!
JuLian: You more than that!
Viniy: ......? Yeah hor!
KitMun: What lah you all......

This group of people...... don't know what is going on in their minds lah!

Note: To the people who know us in real life. Please don't put names or any other indication of the real identities of the speakers if you intend to comment. This is the internet and I'd prefer to be safe than sorry.

Holi holidayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Sung to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Repubilc.

My eyes have seen the glory

of the burning of the school

We have tortured all the teachers

we have broken every rule......

And that's as far as tv tropes would give me. I now totally regret reading the Ear Worm page. I don't think I'll be able to keep a straight face for GB's annual enrollment ceremony next year, which is a pity since it will be my last. Still I thought it was rather fitting for a post celebrating the first day of school holidays.

That being said, I don't think I'll be doing anything much besides homework. The only plus points are being able to sleep late and wake up late. I'm going to throw discipline to the curb (not that I had much to begin with) and place my alarm in cold storage. Somehow I"ll find a way to finish my homework............. I now fear for my life when school reopens.

School holidays have also thrown some problems my way. My mother (beloved food stuffer) will forget that I am fasting in the morning and make breakfast. She will only remember when I start glaring in pain over the aroma of mouth watering food. Jesus help me!!!!!!!!!!!! Where can I go to hide from the scent of food? No matter where I go in this house, be it the roof or the yard, it will find me. *sob*

Well, when all else fails, just be yourself and let other people shout at you. I'm going to read Skip Beat and make most of this "unlimited" internet time. The rambling is more like too much to say, unsure what to add. Go figure.

A mini adventure

Here's a little something, I stayed back in school to finish a project and we ran out of glue stick. The school book store was closed so we went to the shops across the road but no luck. We walked further and further and I just had to open my big fat mouth and say we would be better off walking to The Store. My best friend took it as a good idea (only she could turn a sarcastic outburst into a "good" idea) and off we went.
It was 4:00 o'clock on a Friday which means time to leave the office for home and I couldn't believe how many cars there were. The roads were sooooooooooooo busy!!! So there we were, two girls in uniforms, walking through the sweltering heat to The Store which was VERY far away. We changed target to Econsave which was closer (but not close enough). I kept praying that a book store would pop up out of nowhere. We took out our name tags and put them in our uniform pockets (my idea, since we already look like delinquents why not finish it). We dodged cars and made many suicidal attempts to cross the road. In fact we were so scared we held unto each others hands as we crossed!! All the while joking about our family's reactions if one of us dies. Morbid I know, but what can you expect when we were working on a project about teenage angst?
We finally made it (in one piece) to Econsave. We walked here and there, going through smelly places, taking one big round in the supermarket looking for the stationary section (sadly failing). I was so tired, thirsty and discouraged that I nearly cried when my best friend said that she found the sign for stationary. Actually, through the whole walk there, we were worried that we didn't have enough money. Ok, so I was worried, my best friend said she thought it would be enough but even she got discouraged after walking so long in the blistering heat and said she would cry if we couldn't find that glue stick.
Well, up the stairs we climbed/ran and we were looking through aisles of toys, camping equipment, cooking utensils etc. I was stomping like a woman with a mission, with messy hair I think I looked more like a maniac. So we took another big round and jumped for joy when we FINALLY found the glue section only to find that.....HORRORS we didn't have enough money!!! So there we were berating ourselves for eating so much just now all the while searching our pockets for any "hidden" cash. We did manage to find RM2 which extra money allowed us to buy the cheapest double pack (they didn't sell anything in single).
We paid, we left (by a different way). Found the roads extra packed and made a few more suicidal road-crossing attempts and made our way back to school via short cut. Whew.........we felt so relieved until I realized I lost my name tag!!!!!! What am I going to do once school reopens?????
At least we managed to get half of the project done.