Unfolding doubts

I find I must say something about this thing somewhere and I don't know where to go anymore. College is looming and I am at a loss. We shall not discuss my inability to study or retain information. Rather I'd like to make sense of my jumbled thoughts.

My mother is of the impression that I should take up English or something of that sort. I don't like that idea. I know she doesn't understand why I take science subjects only to do so badly. My tongue does not adjust to languages so easily nor can I fully understand scientific concepts. I am...strange perhaps. Constantly intrigue by things out of my reach. I do not want to take up teaching like she suggests. I know all the poisonous indictments and curses I have mentally hurled at my teachers will come back to bite me. Hard. I have never been a good student, never finished assignments, never prepared properly for a class. I do no revision but last minute revision and still sit somewhere in the middle of the form. They have not found out because I simply do not stand out.

I am not the shining phoenix they wish me to be, no heron among the chickens. I am plain an average, without the academic accomplishments to make up for it. I do not like the idea of becoming a part of the rat race, sheltered child that I am. I don't think I have the skills or personality a corporation would want anyway. I do not wish for the struggles and glory of leadership. I have not much liking for power play and the constant strive for popularity. I am not like those who aggresively impose their will on others. I am mildly competitive and I suppose I do have some leadership abilities but praise and glory do not tempt me much. Just some appreciation will do though I certainly wouldn't mind more.

Papa, mama. Did you know I wouldn't mind working with children or old folk? My heart stirs with sympathy for those who aren't wanted. Do you remember that girl who smiled so happily when I hugged her? I don't want anyone to feel left out. I want to do what I can and hope they'll realize that it's alright, there's someone who'll hug you. I'm scared, because if that's the life God has called me to it's going to be one of hardship. Nothing like the cushy desk job or the exalted life of some rich wife you've wished for me. It'll be a life far removed from the pampered existence you've given me. Somewhere where I'll have to push away little girl fears for people who need me and learn to stand so I can lift those who cannot. I am staring at a million uncertainties and I hate it.

But I want to be a person who will bend down and humble myself to help those who cannot help themselves. I want to be strong so I can be leaned on by those who want to stand up again. I want to be a million things but this one stands out among them all. I want to be someone who can show the Father's heart and let His compassion overflow from me into the lives of all I touch.

Damn...... this is considered picking a fight right? Eep!

Oh dear, its been almost two months hasn't it? But school started and I procrastinated even though I've had computer access all along. Looks like I got off a kick.

The only reason I'm writing now is because Mi-chan asked nicely, and because I'm dreadfully flattered by her latest blog post. *blush* Mi-chan, I enjoy bickering with you too. If I can't bicker with someone, my sarcastic personality couldn't shine through and where would be the fun in that? Yeah, I antagonize people in real life, especially guys, because I'm dreadfully out of practice with interacting with the male gender, but that's another story for another day.

Writing this, I find that I have many things to say, indeed there were many things I planned to write, but now...... I can't decide what to write first! Uh....... the questions thing on Mi-chan's blog (yes, I know you were enjoying yourself mocking us, I'm not gonna kill you for this) Well, let me pretend I"m Dr Laura and answer him:

I am not entirely certain on what religion you profess to follow but do find your nearest bible based church and get the BASIC theology straightened out. It saddens me to see someone who says they follow Jesus and yet completely dismiss his sacrifice. He came to fulfill the law and when something is fulfilled it means it is DONE. May God bless you and may you find the answers you seek.

And.....that......was a completely unacceptable answer. I could get killed or a lawsuit at the very least for that kind of answer. Thankfully, person in question didn't ask me or I'd have bitch-slapped him into the next century. At least there will be no words that can be used against me. 


What I find appalling is the laws that nobody (possibly) follows but he apparently does. Get with the times! Some laws were written as safeguard because peoples hearts are crooked. If following the customs of that time, the results will be outright inhumane! Oh, and for another thing, the sacrifice has been abolished, because Jesus became the ultimate sacrifice. 


Ugghhh..... I'm beginning to suspect the questioner follows some other religion which he has mistaken for Christianity. If thats the case then he is perfectly justified for asking questions most Christians would facepalm at. Sigh..........I'm sure someone will accept him and his beliefs. Its a free world, there are all sorts of things you can believe in.


Wait a sec...... I shouldn't be caring so much! Must get restraining order against idiot brain.

Now I think I've stepped on enough sensitivities and I really should stop here. Comments button is down there. Just don't let anything escalate into cyber-bullying. Its fine to say your opinion, just don't stoop down to hurling insults. What do you want to prove? You're as unable to accept opinions as someone else? Eep! Better shut up pronto. Idon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon'twannadie...........